My friend who retired last year from years on Wall Street tells me,
"I have to watch very carefully how I spend my money. I don't know how
to do anything."
One
of the reasons people find retirement challenging, is also the solution
to the problem of better aging: we identify with roles in our lives.
Worse than that, we enjoy them. They're what our life is all about or
we wouldn't have been doing them in the first place.
Now my friend
certainly knows how to do things. He can cook his breakfast, he's an
attentive father, he knows how to mow the lawn. But to his way of
thinking, now that he's no longer a broker, he "doesn't know how to do
anything."
Whether it's being a manager, a doctor, or a mother, a
recent study confirms we do best when have control over roles we value,
and that this is more important than a sense of control over life
itself. ["Role-Specific Feelings of Control and Mortality," Neal
Krause, Ph.D., and Benjamin A. Shaw, Ph.D.; Psychology and Aging, Vol.
15, No. 4.]
What does this mean to you and me on a daily basis?
In
the study, conducted over 6-7 years, participants were asked to name
the roles they valued most in their lives, including such things as
parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, friend, homemaker, provider,
volunteer work, church member, etc.
In the follow-up study it was
found that participants who were able to maintain a sense of control
over the role most important to them were less likely to engage in
unhealthy behaviors (smoking, drinking, obesity) and less likely to die
prematurely. And, the research found, it was only the most important
valued role that correlated with decline, not choices two and three.
By
"having a sense of control," I imagine they mean being able to continue
doing that. I also would imagine, unless your life has been different
of mine, there's no sense assuming control over life in general. You've
learned that by now!
Your most-valued role amounts to why you
like being alive, or what makes life worth living. In other words, what
matters to you.
The researchers suggest that psychological coping
abilities "decline" with age. I suggest they can be bolstered, even
increase by studying EQ, and a look ahead is an emotionally intelligent
thing to do.
In my coaching work with clients in transition, the
"transition" often amounts to the fact they've lost or been ousted from a
role they enjoyed. Some were fired, some forced into retirement,
others lost children prematurely, others are between parenting and grand
parenting, and not "needed" by anyone in that special nurturing role.
How
can you cope better? While life is about losses, it is equally about
gains and wins. While you may be dumb-founded by an immediate loss,
with time and Emotional Intelligence competencies, you can make the next
step and find a new role. Resilience is one of the many EQ
competencies and it means being able to bounce back after loss, failure,
and defeat, while remaining hopeful and enthusiastic.
Somewhere
there's a baby crying ... a group that needs managing ... an account
that needs balancing. How you define your role is up to you. It's
personal choice and that's what EQ is all about. You may no longer run
Coca-Cola, but you can run the volunteer department of the local
children's shelter.
We're so busy when we're young, and so many of the roles are proscribed, we can forget it's an open and flexible system.
Lamenting
my "last baby," I was reminded by an older friend that she went weekly
to the neonatal unit at the hospital and sat and rocked the newborns.
On
a recent flight to Seattle, I met an 80 year old woman with her foster
baby. She took newborns to their adoptive parents, usually a plane
ride. There she was with infant seat, bottles, diaper bag, and the
whole thing. How she did it physically I don't know. It must've been
the drive of her heart, the satisfaction she got, and the physical
condition she had to be in to do it. The heart will motivate.
Emotional
Intelligence involves flexibility and being able to generate new
solutions. Just as the teenager must one day have her first job, you
will one day have to move into new territory. Re-creating roles is one
thing you can do for better aging. If you are "stuck" on a certain
definition and in the "yes, but" mode, consider something different.
CLIENT: I miss so much being a mother.
ME: Then go mother someone.
CLIENT: That's not the same thing. That's not being their REAL mother.
ME: Says who?
I
have had, when working at the children's shelter, a child tell me, "I
know you're my real mom." Yes, it's heart-rending. Yes, that's part of
it. Wasn't it part of it the first time round?
As a volunteer
director, I relied on many people who were starting new roles, and the
more they considered it their job, their real job, the more helpful they
were to me.
Managing the kitchen of the shelter can be as much a
real management job as you make it, and if you think it isn't "real" and
isn't needed, on what do you base your judgment? Does money have to
change hands? There are other things to work for, and other rewards,
and if being important is one of them, you will, if anything, be more
important, because many volunteers call in at the slightest whim to
cancel, or don't show up at all. They don't take it seriously. Taking
things seriously is a personal decision and totally within your control.
Molly
has "adopted" her niece and nephew by-marriage, who are very young and
going through some very difficult times. Notice these people are not
even related to her. With a newborn in the house, their toddler has
been diagnosed with a heart defect, possibly terminal, and requiring
lots of care, while one of their parents is also dying. No one told
them Molly wasn't their mother. And believe me, no one asked for her
credentials when she showed up at the door of this overwhelmed young
couple.
